INTIMAC(I)
Intimacy begins and ends with I
By Denzel Z. Herrera-Davis
When was the last time you were truly intimate with yourself?
“For me, the answer lies in the lack of connection”
Have you ever been faced with a seemingly innocent question — one that when asked, landed like a pile of bricks and drew pause but ultimately shook you to the core of your foundation?
Not too long ago, I was faced with a question that stoked something within me that had laid dormant for quite some time — and awoke something in me that felt like one of those super villains from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It started small, and the vibrations were muted. But quickly, I realized that I had only just begun to unearth what lay beneath. Like tugging a frayed edge there began an unraveling that couldn’t be done.
That question? When was the last time you’ve been truly intimate with yourself?”
Now, for what it’s worth, I didn’t really think much of this question. Unlike some with a keener sense of humor, I didn’t immediately make a connection to sex. Probably worse, I didn’t connect this gut-punch question to anything. Instead, I harkened back to all the times I spent with someone else. For me, the answer lie in the lack of connection. Not only did I not know the answer, but my subconscious reaction was to forget myself and cloud my thoughts with inter-relational intimacy — thoughts about my close interactions with other people, including sexual interactions.
Pondering the question further, I was struck by a novel idea, the idea that I had mistaken notions about intimacy, that I had wrongly associated intimacy with others only. I start realizing that maybe intimacy is less about actions and more about presence. That’s when I redefined intimacy for myself:
To be passionately and spontaneously and engaged in the moment.
The question came again but in a new form. When was the last time you were passionately and spontaneously engaged in the moment with yourself, truly KNOWING yourself and honoring your intimate feelings? When was the last time you’ve been intimate with yourself?
Maybe you’re that rare person who is regularly intimate with yourself. In that case. I applaud you. Sincerely, however. if you’re like me and the answer is along the lines of “
I mean..”
“Shytttt..”
Or simply
“I don’t know,”
Then the answer is that “it’s been too long”
I began to unearth a series of questions-the answers to which were equally uncomfortable:
If I’m not intimate with myself, how could I know myself? If I don’t know myself, how can I respect myself?
If I don’t respect myself, how can I love myself?
Yeah, this is scary stuff, to be sure. As a consultant and engineer, I’m a man with lots of answers! It’s been my trade to provide answers. Now, I’m realizing how much I didn’t even know the right questions — much less pretend to have formulated an answer I could believe. The good thing, though, is there’s no time like the present. And being a lifelong student means to love learning new things.
So, upon turning the pages back over a decade, this is what I discovered: I’ve been a person on a perpetual success-finding journey: get a stellar education, then a stellar career and stellar lady-friend, and live a stellar life. Maybe this sounds familiar.
To that end, I could “proudly” hang my hat on several of my accomplishments:
● Relationships — check
● Graduate degree — did that!
● Land a job with an esteemed engineering firm — Okaaaaay!
But then I realized that the bar (not sure who’s bar it was actually) had quickly shifted. What once felt like victory became a distant memory.
So, I set forth new goals and new challenges:
● MBA from Top 10 Program-Got it done.
● MBA paid-Look at God!
● Secure prestigious consulting career for which I get paid-Nailed that as well!!
“I learned that for me, success wasn’t money nor was it prestige, nor was it hanging with the Joneses”
Turns out I’ve been seeking validation in all the wrong places: on-the-job recognition, better pay, promotions, and so on. And for what? I’d posit that not knowing the “for what” is the reason I continued to run into and through walls in the name of chasing success. However, it wasn’t until I started being intimate with myself that I could begin to answer the “for what.”
For so long, I practiced placing so much of my worth in external valuation that I never developed a muscle for validating self.
Can you blame me, though?
Of all the norms Black/Hispanic/Islander men are taught, self-love is rare. I did, however, develop a keen sense of burying my feelings and gift wrapping them in a professional courtesy. It’s a valuable skill, believe me, but it can be dangerous when there isn’t a strong sense of self.
Which brought me to my next question. What the hell is success anyway, and whose is it to be had? After accomplishing more than anyone in my own family could have dreamed for, I was still feeling less than. I learned that for me, success wasn’t money nor was it prestige, nor was it hanging with the Joneses. If I’m being brutally honest, the idea of being an engineer, or even going to college, wasn’t my own. In my youth, I hadn’t had the wherewithal or experience to define it for myself. And in my young adulthood, I hadn’t the intimacy with myself to redefine it.
Looking back, it was during the moments when I was passionately and spontaneously engaged with myself that gave me the freedom to act from a place of self-love. Like when I walked away from unsatisfactory career choices and unhealthy relationships, seized new and meaningful opportunities, and stood up for what I truly believed in. I’ve figuratively run through walls in these moments of intimacy and self-love.
To turn it back upon itself, why not be more intimate with myself more often? Why not trust that everything I ever needed was within me — long before any of my success marathons began to take form.
I have a theory. I’d love for you to participate as I live it out. For now, though realize that INTIMAC(I) really begins and ends with “I”.
INTIMAC(I) is the first part of a written series. Part 2 is coming soon!!
Denzel Herrera-Davis is a storyteller, creator, and consultant living in Oakland, CA. He is the founder of Create The Space, a concierge service for Black men seeking expansion through community and wellness.
In his spare time, Denzel creates art for his soul, dances to reggae music, and unapologetically rewrites the lies.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/denzelous_sorealeous/
Podcast Appearance: https://cr8thespace.buzzsprout.com/2021223/11064094
